A hug for the teenage version of me

Hey you! Yes you, you little dirtbag. There is no denying that you are a big pain in the world’s butt, but now I realise that you are running scared. Afraid and confused. It is okay, I forgive you. In fact, I want to apologise to you. I’m sorry. I let you down. I neglected to understand what was actually going on with you and do you want to know something, it’s okay. Everything is fine. It’s time to stop building the wall you are making. Trust me, I know how hard it is to break down 16 years later. Let’s talk. I know that you are angry with your family. You have every reason to be. Your older brother took away your trust and you doted on him didn’t you? Let me tell you now, even though what he did felt really bad, he didn’t do anything wrong. He loved you immensely. The whole situation could have been a lot worse, but he protected you from the worst. If you had spoken to someone about this, you would have realised earlier that he was experimenting. You could have forgiven him a lot earlier. But you kept it inside for far to long. It ate at you. You also took it out on your parents who you thought should have protected you. You are right, they should have provided a safer environment to talk through your concerns, but they did the best they could. They didn’t know. It isn’t fair to hold so much anger for a person and not let them right the wrong. 

You are a beautiful girl. Despite feeling like an ugly duckling right now, let me tell you that you actually find a prince. A wonderful man who adores you completely. He is a fantastic man and you are one of the lucky few that finds true love. Do not worry too much about the clothes you can not afford which all the other girls are wearing. You will find out later on that you will be left a very healthy inheritance and can afford quite a luxurious lifestyle, much more than the girls you are now associating with.

Stop wagging school, it isn’t helping your confidence. You are much smarter than all of this. In another two years, you will realise that friendships do not last, but your school record does! You have the brains to do whatever you want, so please focus at school, stop writing notes to your classmate and stop going for a smoko. Let’s face it, you don’t even like smoking, it is only because your classmates smoke that you continue to pretend to do it.

Stealing is going to get you into a lot of trouble and trust me, this is when your confidence really spirals. If you can just find it in yourself to have some self-respect and some respect for the community, you will see that the world is not so dark. Please choose better friends. These ones are really bringing you down.

I know that you have probably heard these things said before, but maybe, if I can just hold you and hug you closely. If I can just show you some self-love. You are actually a very caring person. You end up being very happy. If I could just show you a crystal ball with your future, you would see that there is no point in harbouring this anger. Please forgive. Forgive your brother, forgive your parents, forgive yourself, but most of all, please forgive me, an older version of you.

I still cry for you. No-one knew. They all thought you were going through typical teenage girl stuff. Had they have known they would have put you on the bipolar medication much earlier. Don’t be scared anymore. The medication finally gives you the peace you are looking for. And do know what….. the dreams you had of a better life actually exist. Trust me, I am living it now. Can you remember how it felt when you weren’t angry all the time? How you allowed love into your life? It is possible, when you get past all this. Trust me, life does get much much much better!

Now, here is a big hug! I must get back to the present! xxx