Now you’re really living….
Today is a big day. My niece is expected to make her appearance. It is also Easter Monday. On Easter Monday, 36 years ago, my mother went into hospital in order for me to make my appearance. Now, just to clear things up, Easter Monday is not on the same day each year, so I am not celebrating another birthday just yet, there are still some days to go. Trust me, I am holding on to my youth as much as I can, before it ultimately slips through my fingers!
Today, I also started Day One of my IVF treatment. Today will officially be known as face-planting into reality day. It has been quite nice spending the past week feeling like I am on holidays and writing my book. I actually lost focus on the real reason I am here. Now I am not one for swearing and I really do not like swearing in public, so excuse me for a while as I get it all out….. (F@%K, SHIT, F#%K, SHIT, HOLY CRAP!)
Okay, sorry for that, but I actually feel a whole lot better for releasing the tension. I will be going into the clinic at 9:30am tomorrow for blood tests, handing in consent forms and of course, paying. Ah…. that moment when you hand over your hard-earned money, which could have bought so many other things, on a dream; a hope. I have been here too many times before. It is unfortunate that there is no money-back guarantee with IVF. That $50,000 would have been quite handy to go towards the mortgage rather than putting me through pain and suffering. But who knew. Here I am, about to do it all over again. I don’t regret it. I am not looking back. If there is just one thing I dream of, it is having a daughter or son. In order for there to be a rainbow, there needs to be rain.
This brings me to my next point. I haven’t been having those wonderful images of stroking my babies head, or putting it down in its cot. These were just snap shots of my dream that I used to have regularly when I was living back home, but for some reason I haven’t had these since arriving in Perth. It is random and I am not going to read into it too much, but to say that the presence I felt of the baby isn’t here with me. Perhaps it is because I am not in my own home or because I am living a life without my husband at the moment.
Oh well, it is what it is and it will be what it will be. I am scared, excited, sad and happy. Out of all these feelings though, I am content. My body is reacting exactly as it should to all the medication it has been on. There is excellent news in that I now have one less pill to pop. That make is currently only four tablets, one steroid and one injection. This will probably all change again tomorrow, but I guess you gotta look at the positives.
In saying this, I would like to share one of my favourite songs with you today. It is aligned to how I am feeling: