Am I worthy?
While catching up with friends recently, I decided to let myself go and have a few drinks. I have blogged about this before, but I made a decision in June 2011 to give up alcohol. It was only meant to be for a month, but I really liked the added benefits of not drinking, that I made it six months. Since then, I have had two to three drinking sessions – all of which have been pretty messy.
I am now kicking myself for letting myself go AND while I am undergoing IVF. I know much better than this. Although there is nothing stating that you should not drink when undergoing IVF, there are some benefits to giving up the booze.
This feeling of guilt hit me yesterday, really hard. I wanted to give IVF the best opportunity. For only a few weeks, I just needed to say no to a few catch-up drinks!! As a result, my guilty conscience led to my crying and praying. I do not feel worthy. I will forever hold this one stupid decision against me if this IVF round does not work!
I spoke to my mother today, who understands how I feel, but says that I can not undo it. She is right. But I want to make things right and I don’t know how. Last night, I spent hours thinking of all the things I had done wrong throughout my life. If I look at things from an external point of view, it could be clearly argued that I am not worthy for this dream of mine to become a reality.
I feel that the previously four failed IVF sessions were punishment for my sins. God, forgive me.