Day 30: 12dp3dt – Tears and Kisses

Today I have been feeling a little bit low. I am so scared that this round of IVF has not worked. There is no real reason for this fear, I just couldn’t hold back the tears today when I spoke to the hubster. I still have tender boobs, CM and slight bloating AND I am now four days late.

It is really tough to have dreams of a child together, which could all just disappear on Thursday. To think of that just breaks my heart. I know that if I really wanted to, we could do another round of IVF, but I think I am now getting to the point of saying enough is enough. My egg quality is deteriorating, the hubster is now getting on in age and to put life on hold again for seven weeks while I come to Australia for treatment for a “maybe baby” will be asking a lot of everyone who is involved. If anything, I would consider adoption, but I would need to give the hubster and myself time to grieve. We would have then done 4 IVF/ICSI sessions with the hubster and 1 IVF/ICSI with donor sperm.

I am very envious of those ladies that easily fall pregnant and go on to have healthy children. It truly is a blessing, but I am not angry at them nor do I harbour any resentment. In fact, I am always beside myself with happiness whenever a friend or relative announces their pregnancy. I will admit to the occasional “why not me” – but overall, I love seeing women who a pregnant, I love seeing babies and I love the wonderful bond between mothers and their children.

I have dreamt that this could be me since I was 16 years of age.

I have in fact raised five step-children. FIVE. I have been pregnant twice. I got to seven weeks and the other five weeks. The first time I got pregnant, it was a mistake. It was so easy. I had no idea what was ahead of me. The second time, I had already gone through four IVF sessions – this was the donor round – and the pregnancy was so difficult. It was a much wanted baby.

Talk of wanted babies. I babysat my niece today. She is already a month old!!! She is really starting to become a little miss – still with big beautiful eyes and a mop of black hair. She is beyond beautiful. Such a calm little thing. I got lots of kisses from her. She just filled my heart up. It was really good to get out and to be with her for a while.

Two days until test day….