Today my family celebrated mother’s day. Even since my first failed IVF treatment in 2007, Mother’s day has been a hard occasion to truly enjoy, but I tend to get by the best I know how, even if that means that there will be a few tears here and there. The double whammy for me is that I have step-children and they do not recognise this day for their step-mother, just their own mother.
On Mother’s Day I like to focus on how great a person my mother actually is. What a wonderful role model and person she is. In some ways I feel as though I have let her down by not being able to give her a grandchild. I have written a blog previously about why my mother is wonderful. You can check it out here if you wish. I am so very blessed to have her. She has been my biggest supporter and has wonderful shoulders on which to cry on, or rest your head. My niece is starting to work this out for herself. She is loving her nanna’s shoulders. I watched how wonderfully calm my niece is whenever she resting on the shoulders of my mother. Those shoulders have been rested on so many times and my mother has done a wonderful job of making others feel safe to place their head there whenever they need to.
These past days, I have really used those shoulders. I am really trying to be strong, but little things will catch me now and then and the tears will flow. I knew that seeing my niece was going to be hard today. As much as I love her so very much, it is a reminder of what I can not have. I had a moment just looking at her in her pram when a single tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away quickly; no-one saw – I was then able to move on, to feed her, burp her and put her back to sleep.
I feel a little lost at the moment. Right now, I am counting down the days until I go back home to Abu Dhabi – only to return to work to then get told that I have been fired. I feel so exhausted and drained of energy that right at the moment I can not even contemplate it. The hubster is telling me that what is happening at the moment does not define me. He is right, I am much bigger than all of this and one day, the raw feelings of hurt and pain will pass. Unfortunately I do know that these feelings will always be with me – just not so raw.
So apparently the world is my oyster. Funny, I don’t feel that way right now. I need to keep reminding myself that I am blessed – when at the moment I feel anything but blessed. I feel like I am being punished.
But, to quote my amazing hubster, just one foot in front of the next for now. I am another day past the pain of yesterday’s news and a day closer to healing. I may need to rest my head on my mother’s shoulders for a little bit more, until like a bird, I leave the nest.
Happy Mother’s Day to every woman with children, either in their lives, in their bellies or in their hearts. God Bless You.