I’m okay and other lies…


Today I spoke to my father about my concerns and the heartbreak I am feeling around another failed IVF. He is the logical one. Mum and I are the emotional ones. My father was lost for answers. I think this is the first time that my father was not able to ‘fix it’. He too does not understand why IVF is not working for us.

I think I am coming to the stage where I need to try IVF at least one more time. I much prefer to live in a land of hope than with no hope at all. I do not know why the hubster and I put a restriction on ourselves, apart from the age factor. The truth is I know that egg quality deteriorates with age and now I am over the 35 year-old threshold where supposedly it becomes more difficult to conceive.

The other truth is that I am not okay. I am not ready to accept the death of the dream of the life the hubster and I imagined for ourselves. Everywhere I go I feel as though our infertility is mocking us. I went to have a coffee in the sun today, as I sat down at the empty tables around me, I was soon joined by a new mother and her newborn child. By focussing on my mobile phone, I tried to ignore the baby’s coos and ahhs, only to be joined by another new mother at the other table next to me. Of course I smiled at the mothers and their babies, but inside I am being torn apart. Thankfully the sunglasses hid the tears, before I eventually asked for a take away cup and slowly walked away.

I then entered a gift shop to try to look for something that will help in this grief. I am thinking a healing stone of some sort is what I need at the moment. Unfortunately the shop didn’t have any stones, but I was caught mesmerised at the gifts for newborn babies and again the sea of pain rose inside me.

My sister-in-law asked if I could mind my niece today. I didn’t have the heart to say I didn’t think I was up to it, but as it turned out, I absolutely loved it. There is something calming about holding a baby in your arms as they fall asleep. Funnily enough, minding my niece was just what I needed. I felt nothing but an overwhelming feeling of love and in some ways peace.

Tomorrow is my last day in Perth before I head back home to Abu Dhabi. In some ways I am looking forward to leaving all this pain behind me. I do know that it will come with me, but for whatever reason I am feeling that I am leaving behind some of that hurt as I travel back into the arms of the hubster and of course, my dog Cookie.

I wish I could get over the ‘woe is me’. I wish this didn’t hurt so damn much. I wish I could believe in everything I have told others, that things happen for a reason, that it is what it is, that something better is on the horizon, but right now, I am in a funk. I know I am blessed, I know that thousands are worse off than me, but it just isn’t making me feel any better right now. I feel lost, empty, confused, frustrated, hurt.

WTF review tomorrow…. the damn doctor better have some answers!!

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