Black and Gold
I would like to think most of my days are filled with glitter, that most of the time I can see the positives, even through the bad times. But the past two days have been black days. Firstly, an argument with hubster over chocolate (!) really turned into something nasty and made me feel as though our relationship is suffering from the stresses of his work and yet another failed IVF. The power behind hubster’s argument really took me by surprise and I ended up having to leave the room. When we fight like this, I always end up in a dark place, whereby I resent the fact that we have to go through IVF because he has a vasectomy. I always think that if I ended up marrying someone else, I would have had children by now.
It is all very selfish, I know. But yesterday tended to be a selfish day for both of us. I am not too sure if we are too used to living independent lives after being away from one another for so long, but we just couldn’t get in tune with one another. Our harmonies were way off!
To top it all off, this morning our friends announced their pregnancy! While I should be feeling happiness for them, I actually am getting tired of pregnancy news for everyone else at the moment. I wish their was a ban on Facebook, whereby you could block pregnancy announcements and photos of cute, beautiful babies 🙂
Man, I love babies! I love seeing women so happy by the fact that they are pregnant! Why, or why, does this have to be so torturous for me? Why can’t we just have a night of passion and 12 weeks later announce our own bundle of joy? Why must I go through months of preparation for a medical procedure which has a 35% chance of working for us! I wish I could be that woman who has a hot one night stand and gets pregnant! But, this is not me! This is not my journey.
I keep hoping that God will show me the answers to my questions. Initially, I thought it was because we were not ready, but I no longer feel this. I am damn ready. Then I thought it was because I still had to experience things that we wouldn’t experience if we had children (such as finalising my dive master or going to Wild Wadi Waterpark which we did on Friday!)…. maybe this is just it – but it isn’t filling the void of being barren!!
Hopefully later today, there will be some glitter!
P.S. What I have learnt from this experience is that I need my beauty sleep and hubster needs chocolate!