Perfect little one….
I had this epiphany last night which just popped into my head out of nowhere. I was thinking about my struggles to have a child; the five attempts at IVF, the 57 eggs which were created, the millions of sperm, the 28 embryos – but not one little thing to show for it!
Somewhere in the back of my mind popped this idea that all of those embryos were not meant for me – they were not my perfect little one – this is yet to come. Even if they were to be born – they would not be perfect. Sure I would love them dearly, but perhaps they would have turned out to be a bank robber, or filled with hate. Perhaps their personality would clash so much with ours, that it would put a strain on our relationship.
This little epiphany finally allowed me to justify (if that is what I needed) why things have never turned out for us. I don’t know how else I will be okay with the fact that I may be child-free forever.
I know that my last two IVF attempts were meant to be my last – but there is no denying it, I am coming to terms with the fact that child-free living may just be life. Our attempt in December/January will REALLY TRULY be our last attempt. We can no longer put our lives on hold.
As such, if my perfect little one is not to be – the hubster and I have created a child-free plan….. and this is quite exciting. We both have been working in the hope that a little one would join us – but with both hate our jobs and are looking for the next thing. Now, this could be Thailand, which is still on the table for the hubster, it could be the UAE (I have had three job interviews in the past week!)
However, we agreed that if our lives are to be child-free, we will downgrade our house and furniture, sell our house in Australia and move to a place where I can teach scuba-diving and the hubster can manage the business. We will have a much simpler life.
I feel great knowing that we will REALLY TRULY be okay if the next round of IVF does not work. In fact, the child-free dream is almost so good, that I could be persuaded to give up now……. but I won’t 🙂
The dream of being a mother is too big!