Perfect little one….
I had this epiphany last night which just popped into my head out of nowhere. I was thinking about my struggles to have a child; the five attempts at IVF, the 57 eggs which were created, the millions of sperm, the 28 embryos – but not one little thing to show for it! 
Somewhere in the back of my mind popped this idea that all of those embryos were not meant for me – they were not my perfect little one – this is yet to come. Even if they were to be born – they would not be perfect. Sure I would love them dearly, but perhaps they would have turned out to be a bank robber, or filled with hate. Perhaps their personality would clash so much with ours, that it would put a strain on our relationship.
This little epiphany finally allowed me to justify (if that is what I needed) why things have never turned out for us. I don’t know how else I will be okay with the fact that I may be child-free forever.
I know that my last two IVF attempts were meant to be my last – but there is no denying it, I am coming to terms with the fact that child-free living may just be life. Our attempt in December/January will REALLY TRULY be our last attempt. We can no longer put our lives on hold.
As such, if my perfect little one is not to be – the hubster and I have created a child-free plan….. and this is quite exciting. We both have been working in the hope that a little one would join us – but with both hate our jobs and are looking for the next thing. Now, this could be Thailand, which is still on the table for the hubster, it could be the UAE (I have had three job interviews in the past week!)
However, we agreed that if our lives are to be child-free, we will downgrade our house and furniture, sell our house in Australia and move to a place where I can teach scuba-diving and the hubster can manage the business. We will have a much simpler life.
I feel great knowing that we will REALLY TRULY be okay if the next round of IVF does not work. In fact, the child-free dream is almost so good, that I could be persuaded to give up now……. but I won’t 🙂
The dream of being a mother is too big!
Really like this post. Sounds like you are at peace with whatever your journey might bring. And your child-free plan does sound very exciting! Hope you are doing good, it’s been a while since I stopped by 🙂
Hey girl….. yes – I am doing okay! Had a frustrating week last week – but again blame myself and my strange aversion to my meds. Back on track – finding peace. In a great place atm, despite it all. The sixth attempt plays on my mind regularly and to be quite honest – I know I am ready to give it all up if this attempt fails and to move on to squeezing everyting I can out of life.
We have our “if this doesn’t work out” plan all set too, and it keeps me from thinking of everything as THE LAST CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS! I’m glad you and the Hubster have one too.
It’s always nice to have that back-up plan…. and to truly be excited by it 🙂
I like this post … in fact I love it! It prompts me to think of my own child free plan, too …
it’s hard though, because my parents and my hubby’s parents are all constantly behind our backs saying … “there is no way that you will have no children, right?”, or “there is no way that our families will have no next generation to carry on, right?” … and I am just like … yes way, mum, yes way, mother-in-law, yes yes yes! There is every possibility that it will never happen for us and there is indeed “no way” that I am going to dwell my life on this until the day I cannot bear a child anymore.
Looking at everyone around me, it’s getting really difficult to find someone who I know who doesn’t have children. And I am thinking, surely, they can’t all be perfectly healthy and that they can’t all be so damn fertile that the children will just keep popping? I think there is a reason to it all, and it’s the same as what you, jusmeh, have said that it’s just not meant for us or it’s just not time yet. It may never be the time and that is just life.
I like the whole leaving everything behind plan and move to a different country idea. It is difficult for us at the moment because my parents are living with us. I have such a traditionalist family and sometimes I actually think that is why we are not pregnant. We can hardly have sex “properly” with their bedroom next to ours!
Anyway, just want to say I like your plan and I think we should come up with ours, too. I am sure it is an amazing feeling to be a mother, but sometimes there are things that are just not meant to be and we need to learn to let go.
Glad you got something from this! I think the main reason women get lost after failed attempts to have a child, is that a proper back-up plan is not in place. Mothers and mothers-in-laws have no right to be placing pressure on you to have children – this is something between you and your partner…. period. I am fortunate that my parents have supported me 100% in my decisions. Of course, they would love to have another grandchild, but they also would completely understand if I decided to give up today and move on. It is not their choice, nor there mind, body or heart going through the process!
There is a tendency to think that everyone is so lucky – but trust me ….. they all have their own issues. Some people are even envious of my child-free status and the ability this gives me to travel…. the grass is always greener huh???? 🙂
I am liking my plan too. I get quite excited by the prospect actually… but more excited about having my own little one. What will be will be.
Good luck with everything. There is always a reason – you just need to look for it. Oh, and I think if your mother is placing so much pressure on you having a child, you should have the noisest sex ever and let her know that you’re trying!!!!!! hahahahah
XOXOXOXOXOX
I like your style! Haha … I shall give it a try next time 😀
Let me know how it goes! 🙂