Just putting it out there….

Lately I have been feeling as though I have been imprisoned, just watching life go by. It is a sad and frustrating feeling and I am taking this out on the poor hubster.

My frustration mainly has to do with my work. It is having to wake up knowing that I will have nothing to do at work, then to fend off the idiots on the road getting to work, being at work and doing nothing and then driving home from work fending off the idiots again.

When I get home, I then listen to how busy the hubster has been and the dramas going on for him. I am not in a good place. I am getting close to rage. Expressing anger, jealousy and in some cases hate.

My life is not where I envisioned. I did not ever dream that at 36 I would be childless, that I would have paid $50,000 to try to have a baby, that I would be looking at five failed IVF attempts. I also did not ever conceive (see what I did there?) that I would be working in a place where there is no budget to do any marketing activities.

Nor did I ever dream that my love for scuba diving would possibly be ended due to a possible hole in my eardrum.

I am trying to make myself feel better by acknowledging that there are people far worse off than me… but I guess I am just having one of those days weeks months years.

I have always dreamed of being someone, being someone important. And I guess being a daughter, wife and friend is not enough at the moment. I am close to tears. The tears are probably good as it means I am past the anger….. but as good as a cry can be sometimes, it just doesn’t fix things.

So what am I to do? Part of me wants to go back to Perth. The fighter in me wants to stay and battle through. Then there is a light shining in the distance that I am afraid I am imagining…. and that is that everything will be okay. That my eardrum will be fine, that work will pick up. That maybe, I am just acting a bit prematurely.

I am usually better than this, but I can’t help but think of the what if. What if my eardrum isn’t okay? What if I can’t ever be a mother? What if my life is destined to just be shitty.

A horrid thought passed through my mind this morning…… what if this is life for the next 30 years.

I can’t do it. I just can’t.