Strapping on for a familiar ride…

I have started my DHEA and HGH treatments. The rollercoaster ride of injections and emotions starts all over again. I should be excited, but I’m not. I think I can align it to riding on the same ride at a showground six times…. after a while it doesn’t seem so exciting anymore.

I will be honest though, dear readers, I have wanted to abandon this round of IVF thousands of times. I am not too sure if it is the fear of failure (yet again) or that my back-up dream is so damn exciting! For now, I will just put it down to both. I feel that our actual treatment is so far away that it hasn’t yet become real for me. I am sure in a few days it will feel very real for the hubster, as he undergoes the MESA treatment back in Australia.

This time, I will be demanding that our fertility center scrutinise the sperm and advise of the sperm count, the maturity of the sperm and ratio of pinheads to “normal” before we continue. Should the sperm not be considered “donatable” the hubster and I will have to have a real heart-to-heart about whether or not we should progress. There is a large part of me that wants to run away. The woman who is brought to her knees as her dreams are crushed and her heart breaks. The woman who feels so insecure and a failure for not being able to provide a son or daughter; for not being able to start a family; for not passing down the genes of the forefathers. It is so easy to find excuses. My problem is that I am a fighter. I am not a quitter. When I set out to do something, I put my heart and mind into it.

Should all go well, we have three months before the actual treatment and already I am in a whirl of emotions. I really do want this to work. I want to conceive, I want to be pregnant, I want to give birth and I want to start our family. I know we are at the last chapter on our journey around IVF. I can feel it in my bones; in my soul. This truly is our last attempt. I feel that sickly anxiety feeling. I hate this! I am envious of women who can so easily have children.

Such is life. As I have always said; “What will be, will be.” Let’s get ready to cry, laugh, scream and worry. Let’s get ready to rumble!