Fibroids, Swimmers and One Major Decision!

So the hubster had his MESA (microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration) on Friday. It wasn’t as successful as we had hoped. Out of the three areas where sperm can be aspirated, two were inaccessible due to fibroids in the area, as a result of the hubster’s vasectomy 15 years ago. The doctor was able to put my mind at ease though, advising that reversing the vasectomy would not have been successful either. A part of me was regretting that we didn’t opt for this when we first considered having a child, so I am glad the we made the ‘right’ decision.

The area where they were able to retrieve sperm was from the testes – the same place the sperm was aspired from previously! This means the sperm is very immature and the chances of success have not improved for us. This is a bit soul-destroying. We were hoping for better chances with this procedure. The doctors and endometriologist are suggesting that we give it one more go, but 65% of me is screaming no! This process costs a lot of money, time and mental/emotional resources. Every single cell in my body is invested in this process, which messes around with my hormones, my dreams and my hopes. I feel as though I am already setting myself up for a failure. if we decide to go ahead.

I am now torn about what to do. The hubster has asked me to sit with it for a while (I think his testicles are talking, which are in so much pain that he can hardly walk!) He has invested himself into this process as well. It breaks my heart to see him invest so much of himself and to get a similar result. After six failed IVF sessions, what is different with this one, to get a different result? My heart is breaking. To go ahead or not is the question. I won’t put the process on hold, it HAS to go ahead in December/January or not at all. Time is ticking by – we need direction in our lives….. we will either have a child or not….. this is the game-changer for us. Our lives will be completely different depending on the situation.

The fighter in me wants to go ahead – yelling at me that I don’t quit. The sceptic, broken and scared woman is telling me enough is enough.

What to do? Feel the fear and do it anyway??